DO YOU NEED SOME GUIDANCE IN MOVIE SELECTIONS?

DO YOU NEED SOME GUIDANCE IN MOVIE SELECTIONS?

My recent blog that listed some of my favourite movies was such an overwhelming success (thank you both) that I decided to venture further into the field of movie viewing. If you do not subscribe to Netflix, or Crave, or the movie packages provided by your TV server, you will be stuck with just watching whatever the networks provide. However, if you are one of those who spends more time scrolling through screen after screen of movie options on Netflix for example, I think I can help you in making your selections. Here are some of my criteria for choosing a worthwhile movie:

• If the movie has a number after it eg. Rocky 8, or Halloween 13 or Fast and Furious 99, avoid them at all costs. These “movies” are actually assembled from the film clips cut out of earlier releases and were not deemed worth showing. However, during desperate times producers have stitched together reams of rejected footing, attached a number and tossed it into the Pile of the Pathetic! At least that is my interpretation. Beware!
• If you watch the trailer of the movie and it includes a series of explosions, car chases, squealing tires and cars flipping over on their roofs, you can eliminate it from your list. You have already seen one of the movies distant cousins, but the flips, booms, fireworks, and crashes are just shown in a different order. I’m sure!
• If in the first few minutes of the movie or in the previews you are inundated by any combination of numbers or letters that imply some secretive government agency or project, stay clear. When a KGB agent meets with an MI5 informant regarding Project XX94 in a safe house called 34S21 during the third phase of implementing the MasterPlan, you know that you will never be able to follow the plot without an exclusive decoder ring of your own. You will go crazy!
• If any of the main characters are attempting to play a character with a different nationality than their own, think twice. Is there anything more annoying than an American trying to portray a British gentleman or vice versa? How about a German portraying a Hawaiian or a blonde Swede attempting to be an Aussie. Or Jennifer Lawrence from California playing a Russian agent as in Red Sparrow? Has anything been more painful to watch?
• If the movie features any of the following elements please go for a walk instead of watching the movie: zombies, werewolves, walking dead, psychos, serial killers, aliens, time-travellers, superheroes, vampires, ghouls, President Trump, gorillas, or humans switching bodies with someone else. If this is your cup of tea, don’t invite me over for a drink! Please.
• If a movie glamorizes some historic or disastrous event, skip it. Generally, I do not want to watch a war movie of any kind. In most cases, they depict horrible events that have occurred in our past and I do not feel they need to be relived on the screen. Human brutality, death, dismemberment and mental breakdowns associated with war are all tragic and I don’t accept it as entertainment, even if it is attempting to present a sympathetic viewpoint or acknowledge some bravery or heroism. I prefer not to watch it.
• If any of the following are stars in the movie, think twice. Al Pacino - only plays Al Pacino - all his roles seem to me to be the same. Sandra Bullock - since her massive facial botox makeover, I have trouble watching her plastic face speak without moving its lips!  Ditto Renee Zellweger. I bet you didn’t know the Steven Seagal, Dwayne (the Rock) Johnson, Vin Diesel, and Jason Statham are all the same person! They simply don different bodysuits to become different action characters. Watch all four of them if you dare and see if I’m not right!

Hopefully, my few criteria will help you become more efficient in selecting your movies in the future. When I was a kid, it was much easier to pick a winning movie because we had such stalwart movie stars as Roy Rogers, Gene Autry, The Bowery Boys, and Abbot and Costello. Yes, siree, them were the good old days!