ARE YOU WATCHING THE PUKE SHOW ON TV?

ARE YOU WATCHING THE PUKE SHOW ON TV?

Every Fall we are blessed with a scintillating array of new television programs that make their debut. I have become instantly enthralled with a wonderful Canadian production called the Perpetually Uninteresting Kanadian Election or PUKE for short. It is a game show where contestants compete in a series of bizarre contests to become Crown Prince (or Princess) of Kanada, based on the voting by fans.

This year’s four contestants only known by their pseudonyms, to protect their true identity and prevent potential libel suits against me , are Mr Apology, Mr Happy Roundface, Blackbeard and Granny T. This  short television series runs for only forty day (thank the Lord) and the royal personage will be crowned on October 21.

The first competitive event is the Race to Dud, more specifically called the Race to Dig Up Dirt. Each candidate and their team must delve into the entire life time of each of their opponents to determine the most repugnant and disgusting elements they can find. Did they march in a Gay Pride Parade or not? If not, why not? Have any of them made any anti (fill in the blank) comments about any race, religion or creed in their lives or in their dreams or daydreams. They must dig as deeply as is humanly possible. The best dirt dug, wins the most points.

The next event scheduled is the always anticipated televised debate. The country comes to a standstill awaiting the duelling dialogue, the crisp conversation and the enthralling interaction of the four superior minds of the Fab Four, (unless one is a no show). Fearless finger pointing can earn extra rewards and if all candidates can manage to all speak at once for over thirty seconds, bonus points are awarded to all for their endurance, stamina and poor manners.

This wonderful TV series winds up with the most fascinating element of competition over the last three weeks - The Promise Parade. Each of our four sterling competitors attempts to construct a basket of promises that the electorate will find impossible to turn down. Promises can be either subtraction or addition items. We will scrap the GST or reduce the income tax to middle class Canadians or eliminate the carbon tax. I am veritably drooling already!

As fascinating as the subtraction elements are, the additional initiatives are overwhelming. We will arrange for free canoe trips for all Canadians every summer in a national park. We will increase the child allowance to those with, and for those who are thinking of having, seven children, no questions asked. We will provide free drugs, medicines, pampers - baby and senior, wheelchairs and hair implants for any Canadian who votes for me. We will provide free rides on any Greenpeace ship and you only have to pay one garbage bag of recyclable cans. My head swoons as I try to make an informed decision on who to vote for! Their promises boggle my mind!

In the final show on October 21, at 9 pm EST (10:30 in Newfoundland) one of our four fearless candidates will be selected to be Crown Prince or Princess! The winner will be elated with their victory, the new Lexus first prize, the all expenses trip to Sandals resort in the Jamaica, and a lifetime supply of gummy multivitamins.

The three second place finishers will grudgingly offer their congratulations and slink off on a consolation prize trip to Disneyland to begin plotting their strategy for the next season of PUKE. The winner will send back photos, wearing traditional Jamaican beachwear and dreadlocks , and promising to recall parliament when the weather warms up in March. You and I will suffer withdrawal from the conclusion of the PUKE show and be forced to watch either Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune to bring us down from our election season high.

And life will go on, with little change! The dirt will have been swept back under the rug, the debate will be a distant non-memory and the promises will be delivered - soon - but don’t hold your breath!

What ever happened to great television shows like Car 54 Where Are You and Mr. Ed, The Talking Horse?