HOW CAN I PREPARE FOR THE NEXT GOLFING SEASON?

My recent blog arguing that golf courses do not provide essential service and therefore should not open during our current pandemic raised quite a fuss. All (both) of my former golfing friends have notified me that I would not be receiving a Christmas card from them this year because of my attitude. Of course, I do not want to offend those addicted to the game of “hit-the-little-ball-with-a-big-stick-into-a-small-hole” so I am prepared to help them deal with their OCY (obsessive compulsive yearning) to play golf. Below are my ten tips to help frustrated golfers get ready for the eventual golf season:

1. Wash your balls!. Get a good antibacterial soap and wash all of your golf balls to eliminate any accumulated mud, dirt or scuff marks. Use a Q-tip to swab inside each little dimple on each ball. When your balls are sparkling, do the same with each golf club.
2. Get your golf clothes ready! For some cultural reason, golfers believe that they will hit the ball farther and putt with more accuracy if they dress with an outlandish costume. White golf shoes, turquoise socks, a screaming pink golf shirt, and lime green slacks seem to often be the order of the day for many. After the game, their outfit would allow them to audition to join the Ukrainian Shumka Dancers. (with apologies to Ukrainian friends).
3. Get your golf bag ready! Fill your golf bag with all the essential tools of the game. You need to load at least 12 clubs, 24 balls, an umbrella, a ball retriever, several towels, a pack of cigars, at least a dozen beer, an extra set of shoes, a rain jacket and your prescription medications, just in case. If you’re playing 18 holes, a thermos of ice, a few hi-ball glasses and a 26 of rum may be required.
4. Start getting into shape! Get dressed in your costume, put on your spiked shoes, hoist your loaded golf bag on to your back and head out your front door. Proceed to walk at least 15 blocks in one direction, and then retrace your steps. This distance should be equivalent to about 9 holes of golf. No stops in between!
5. Getting used to the golf cart. For those who prefer to use a golf cart there is still the need to practice proper cart etiquette. Load your clubs into the trunk of your car. Drive to an intersection, pull your car over to the curb, extract your bag from the trunk, take ten practise swings on the sidewalk and return to your car. Drive to the next intersection and repeat at least 70 to 100 times to simulate a round of golf. Hint: chose a quiet neighbourhood not a main street. There is less chance of you being reported to police.
6. Practice your ball retrieval! This may require a companion. Again, drive to a wooded area, a park, a grassy field or out into the country. Park your car and have your assistant throw a dozen golf balls into the trees, shrubs, or long grass. You will be judged on how many balls you can find and how long it takes you. This is a very practical exercise, don’t you agree?
7. Practice your putting. This is the easiest golfing activity to prepare for. Use the living room or family room carpet for the green and a shot glass for the cup. Proceed to practise putting a ball into a glass from varying distances. Each successful putt qualifies you for an after-practice shot. The golf version of beer-pong! 
8. Practice for the nineteenth hole! As every golfer knows, the nineteenth hole is the premier reason for playing golf. Following the arduous three to six hours of chasing an innocent little white ball around the countryside, the golfer needs to pause and rest. If the supplies in the golf bag have evaporated or grown warm, it is essential to sit in the clubhouse and rehydrate to prevent dizziness and dehydration. Enough said!
9. Fine-tuning the bullshit! This golfing tradition is generally a part of the agenda of the nineteenth hole but can also be practised at other times. Golfers need to formulate, fantasize, and elaborate on their “best” drive, chip and putt of the day. The Burlington Liars Club cannot match the creativity and fantasy that a golfer can generate when they endlessly spin their tales of talent and skill. There may be a correlation to the amount of alcohol consumed!
10. Get some rest! The conclusion of a day of golf can find the participants exhausted. It is just as important to train the body to relax and regenerate after every game, so you can be strong and healthy for tomorrow’s game. So while the season is still months  away it is never too early to fine-tune this skill. Get a good rest now!

  If you practise these ten tips faithfully, your golf game will show immense improvement - in the spring of 2021!