HAVE YOU EXPERIENCED THE STRESS OF GROCERY SHOPPING?

HAVE YOU EXPERIENCED THE STRESS OF GROCERY SHOPPING?

In these days of the pandemic, shopping for groceries has been transformed from a pleasant leisurely pastime into guerrilla warfare. 

My body clock was set to wake me at 6 am to ready myself for the shopping mission ahead. I grabbed my protective gear and a cup of coffee and headed to my Batmobile for an early Sunday morning assault. Our supermarkets have granted exclusive shopping access from 7 am to 8 am to older decrepit shoppers like myself before the younger contaminated masses are allowed in.

I donned my disposable rubber gloves in the car, pulled up my jacket collar a la a face mask and waited for the guardian of the entry to unlock the door. Three other geezers slowly extracted themselves from their vehicles and limped towards the store. Stealthily I shuffled ahead of the others and grabbed my newly sanitized shopping cart and entered.

I was careful to follow the arrows on the floor as I casually slipped past the guard who was tasked with evicting under-age shoppers or those coughing or red-faced with a fever. I headed for the fruit and vegetable aisles first just to throw off any surveillance cameras that might be trying to detect toilet paper terrorists whose only target was the Purex pyramid! I quickly selected one vegetable and one fruit in order to comply with Canada’s Food Guide of eating one portion of fruit and one vegetable a week. (Or is it per day? I don’t remember!)

With my banana and broccoli in the cart, I headed quickly for the protein section. Show me the meat! A couple of pounds of hamburger, two steaks, a pack of pork chops, a flat of bacon, a beef roast, some chicken breast value packs and I was set for seven days. 

As I continued to follow the arrows up and down each aisle I looked for some of the essentials of life. I picked up some soup, pasta, sauces, flour, milk  and bread. I also grabbed some chocolate, Dare cookies, salt and vinegar chips and Diet Coke which are essential foods on Ken’s Personal Food Guide. The Canadian Food Guide definitely needs revision and I would gladly volunteer to help recommend some alternative foods for inclusion in the book. It is seriously lacking a food group called snacks!

While shopping one must always be conscious of potential shopping cart congestion. For example, a wobbly white-haired gentleman headed towards me going the wrong way down a one-way aisle. I quickly had to back my cart up and move to a quiet spot to avoid contact. I was going to report him, but I didn’t want any additional unnecessary human contact. Then I was frustrated by a grey-haired granny who was parked in front of the magazine rack, clogging the aisle and slowly perusing the men’s magazines. Finally, she selected a Penthouse Annual and headed for the checkout. 

After finding most of the items on my shopping list, I moved towards the checkout. I paused for a minute in front of the entire empty shelves of paper products - toilet paper, Kleenex, and paper towels - to utter a small prayer that they may be restocked by next Sunday. It is little consolation that the supplies of quinoa, kale, hummus and Vegemite were plentiful, but unfortunately not on my essential’s list!

A pleasant cashier, insulated behind her plexiglass shield, efficiently checked out my assorted purchases without any criticism of my bizarre items. She saw nothing wrong or unusual when my treats and meats, far outnumbered “healthy” choice items. I was almost ready to offer her a monetary tip for her diplomacy.

I finally transferred my stash to my car’s trunk, disposed of my rubber gloves, returned my cart and headed home. As my old buddy George W. Bush might have remarked, “Mission Accomplished”!